Everyday rain or shine(and living in Tacoma, WA it is mostly rain)I take Coco out to the park or for a walk. It is then that I do my best thinking. In truth I think out loud, but that is okay because I have my bluetooth in my ear. Oh, it isn't on But I am not stupid. I may be crazy but I am definitely not stupid. If people look at me I just point to the bluetooth and wham... they nod yes and all is good.
But here is the thing, I am 55 and lately I have been going over and over in my mind and out loud, "when and how did I get to be 50 f'n 5!" I am not saying I don't sometimes feel 55 but most of the time I don't. No midlife crisis here I promise. I am very happy. I have the best wife, life and children going. Sure we have struggles just like most people but right now I am pretty happy. All that being said, something is just bugging me right now and I cannot get a handle on it.
About a week ago my daughter asked me if I wanted to golf with her fiance and his buddies before the big wedding. I said no. I told her I didn't need to be around the "guys" and that time was for Jakob and his friends and not some old man. I was being sincere. There was a time when I did need that. I wanted to be included in my kids activities as one of the gang. I not only enjoyed it but expected it. I meant what I said but that doesn't mean I miss it. Truth is, I feel more at home with 20 and 30 year olds than 50 or 60 year olds. I think that is why I enjoy officiating so much, I love being in the environment of young high school and college age kids.
So where does that leave me? Talking to myself OUT LOUD about what is going on in this crazy head of mine? I figured it out on my way home from the park. I told Coco (ya I know... but it is okay I had my bluetooth in) it is simple, I feel....YOUNG. It sounds so simple but it is complicated. I FEEL YOUNG. the phrase is from Captain James T Kirk. Wrath of Kahn. At the movies end when the Genesis planet was formed, Dr. McCoy asked the Captain how he felt. McCoy knew the Captain was struggling with his mortality, with his life, with his contribution to the universe. Kirk thought for a minute and said, "I feel... Young." I get it. It isn't about midlife it is about "when it is all said and done, where am I and what have I contributed." By feeling "Young" you have time to give more. Time to give to yourself, your family, your friends, your community, your country,your world, your universe. Young is time. Young means I have time to give. Young means I am not done.
I am... Young.
No comments:
Post a Comment